Suns Out, Suns Out..

Today has been a strange one to say the least, Kellan has been at school and I’ve been at home with Grayson. We played outside, then he wanted to come inside and watch Hop!, then back outside, then inside.. you can see the pattern here?

Grayson has been a bit testing over the last couple of weeks, temper tantrums mixed with tiredness has just been a bit too much for me. I am trying to try new discipline techniques, we are getting there, slowly but surely.

So anyway, I had dentist today. I don’t like the dentist, it is a really big fear of mine. I stupidly decided to book a check up with the kids. To be honest, I tried to be a lot calmer for their sake as they love the dentist. Appointment was at 16:15, I am literally sweating out, majorly. It’s ridiculous. The receptionist’s were just staring at my two lunatics running around the hot waiting room, there’s nothing for them to play with so they were amusing themselves, and tbh, I was so nervous, I didn’t have the energy to rein them in.

Now, I told both boys that mummy was very scared of the dentist and I needed them to try their hardest to be good for mummy and if they could hold my hand.

16:35 arrives, and we were called through. Kellan threw me under the bus and put me forward first, but my little mate G run to the dentist chair and got comfortable. Next was my turn, G was insistent that he was sitting on my lap, the poor dentist was trying to check my teeth with Grayson fidgeting and trying to climb up and down off of my lap. After five minutes the dentist told me I needed a filling and deep clean but he will re-book me in. It just went downhill from there, kids were trying to run out the door while I was talking to the dentist, I then tried to pay and my card got declined twice. My face was melting, I am pretty sure I had sweat patches down to my hips! The receptionist wasn’t very sympathetic while I am trying to think what account I needed to pay out of, while trying to watch what the boys were doing. I then asked if I could rebook my appointment and she made it quite clear that I should probably call back once I am at home, without the kids. So I replied “of course, I will call you once I have taken my Demon children home” and walked out.

I was pissed off, hot, freaking out about my filling and tbh, I just wanted to get home to a big glass of wine.

Kids are now a bed, Dan is watching a film and I’m, well, Blogging.

I am enjoying this sunshine though, I don’t want it to ever leave!

Thank God it’s Friday tomorrow, hope you are all ok,

A x

Half Term Feels..

Can’t believe my little monkeys are back at school next week – once again half term has gone too quick.

They have drove me mad, as they do, but I do love having them home and not having to do the horrid school run!

One of my lovely friends gave birth yesterday to baby number two, it made me flash back to when Grayson joined our family. I remember not knowing how to feel, i felt guilt, emotion, love and I was overwhelmed. Kellan had stayed with my mum and dad the night before, I was up at 5:30 and at the hospital for 7:30am ready to wait for my time to go down for my second section. I was told at 8am that we were going down at 9am.

My mum and dad had jumped on a bus to go into chelmsford town to wait for the news whether we had another boy or a little girl, they were then going to buy some clothes with Kellan.  After being sick most of the morning, early afternoon after having Grayson my mum and dad arrived at 1pm with Kellan. Not going to lie, I was so nervous. Kellan knew there was a baby in my tummy, but didn’t quite understand. He was only 20 months.

I sat in bed, with Grayson in my arms, i debated leaving him in his little bedside crib but thought it was a better option to be holding him. Kellan came in with mum and dad and instantly pulled away from me, he wasn’t interested in me and definitely wasn’t interested in his new baby brother. I felt my heart break inside, i just wanted to scoop Kellan up and hold him tight. My dad took Grayson while mum still held onto Kellan, he then off of his own back went in for a kiss, it was the most quickest little kiss ever. After about half hour mum and dad took him home while i spent quiet time with Grayson. We had to stay in hospital for a night because of the section.

When I was allowed home, I was so excited as i had missed Kellan so much. I thought when I got home he would of came up and cuddled me, no, how wrong was I.

It honestly took about a week for him to come over to me, he just ignored Grayson completely, that lasted for about 3-4 days. I remember it being such a hard time for us all, adjusting from a family of three to four, and not forgetting how young Kellan still was.

Now looking at them, they are the best of friends. Still fight for mummy’s attention, but understand that they have to share mummy.

That all feels like such a long time ago, it just fly’s. Really do enjoy every minute.

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Hope you are all ok, Love A xx

Sunday Feels..

Good Evening My Lovelies,

How did your little cherubs cope with clocks going forward? Our two were up at 6:30 (5:30 in pre-going forward time) which was nice… Not. Not going to lie, think we both thought they may of slept a bit better seeing as they were on the go yesterday from the moment they woke up till the time they went to bed.

So, myself and Dan have now got healthcare insurance with Vitality, we were umming and ahhing for a bit about it, but like anything, the salesman sold it to us. Now, as a bonus for getting off my arse and exercising, I earn reward points for me, Kellan and Grayson (Dan is on his own for some reason), anyway so I do around 8,000-11,000 steps a day anyway so it’s nice that I now get rewards for it! One of the rewards are free cinema tickets, so on Saturday I used our reward codes and bought three tickets, and one for Dan. The sweets we bought for the cinema cost us more than the cinema trip. Mental, but so worth it. We took the boys to see Peter Rabbit, Kellan is really into it at the moment. Now, Kellan has been to the cinema before, Grayson hasn’t – wasn’t quite sure what to expect with G If i’m being honest. We sat in our seats, and the adverts had started rolling. Dan went to get the treats when all of a sudden Grayson started sobbing and telling me he wanted to go home. After calming him down and snuggling with him he was ok, still not sure, but ok. I think it was the loudness that upset him.

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Apart from that, it was a good trip. The film was really good as well, I will be honest, there were a couple of scenes that I thought were a bit much for a kids film, but then again, it’s life, unfortunately, it happens. Me and Dan did give each other the look a few times, especially when they mentioned rabbit pie.

From there the kids were dropped off to our friends who had offered to look after them (life savers, really don’t know what I would do without them) while we went out for my mum’s birthday. She wanted to do something different so we went to a place called Clue HQ in Brentwood for an escape room. To be honest I was a little dubious about it, not quite sure what to expect but it was a lot of fun and a good laugh. Lots of clues and problem solving, we struggled at times but got there in the end. We had 2 minutes remaining when we finally got out! If you can go, then do, it’s great team building and also just a great few hours out, it really was fun. I don’t want to say too much and spoil it!! After escaping and having a quick photo, we then went Zizzi’s for dinner.

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Today we had a well needed chill day, kids have played, had their tablets, watched films. Dan has been working most of the day, I sorted the toy room and worked through the washing. I was meant to be going for afternoon tea with my neice but I haven’t been very well and was worried about sitting on a train for two hours, really gutted about that as it is a fab afternoon tea, it was beauty and the beast themed at Kensington Hotel (will have to make it up to her)

Kids were very hyped before bed so decided to give them a nice calm bath with some added Lavender Oil from Little Aureila (if your kids have sensitive skin or trouble sleeping, go over and have a look, their stuff is amazing. & no, this is not an ad, just supporting a small business), just as I was about to get them out the bath, Grayson stood up and quite cheerily declared he had pooed in the bath. Kellan’s face was a picture, I have never seen that boy jump out of the bath as quick as he did tonight. Honestly. Shit sorted, bath disinfected and Daddy Dan on PJ duty we were good to go. I didn’t think they were going to give in and settle as they were giggling and talking about the poo (as they do) but they are snoring away and have been since 7:30. Bonus.

I hope you are all ok, and are enjoying the last of the weekend. I’m now on countdown mode, four more days and the kids break up for two weeks. Woohoo.

 

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2190 Days Ago..

Typical Sunday in out house, chilling, kids running riot. Our house is freezing, even thought it’s a new build, there is always drafts coming from somewhere – joys of buying David Wilson I suppose.

The boys were playing hide and seek and running around giggling with each other, it really is the best sound. While I was sitting there I got thinking about how different our lives would have been if our first pregnancy lasted. Would me and Dan have still been together? Would we be where we are now? The reason this thought has come into my head today, is because six years ago today I was sitting in the Gynaecologist department waiting for my treatment to remove our baby that we lost at 12 weeks. I remember sitting there thinking ‘what if they have got it wrong?’ ‘what if our baby now had a heartbeat’ ‘are they going to re-scan me?’. I was sitting there among other pregnant woman, woman that had lost a lot later on than me, woman who had decided that their pregnancy wasn’t right for them at the minute, it really was a horrible atmosphere, grief, nerves and the unknown all rolled into one.

It was hard when all the nurses were laughing and joking about what they had been up to and what had been happening in their lives, but to us mums sitting there waiting to see what was happening, we just wanted quiet, quiet to come to terms with what was about to happen.  There was two girls in there, only young and they were both in beds behind the reception desk, I still remember it like it was yesterday. One of the girls said “oh fancy seeing you here again” as if it was a jolly place to meet. Dan heard it as well and squeezed my hand. We didn’t plan for the baby, we wasn’t ready for this baby but it had happened to us for a reason, and we were really excited.

We had our scan confirming that indeed, there was no heartbeat and the baby had shrunk in size from 12 weeks, to 9. The procedure wasn’t nice, after a couple of hours I was sent home with a bag of painkillers, then to let nature take it’s course, we had to make sure we knew when we had passed it, but I couldn’t look. So my mum came to the toilet with me and checked every time, and when it did happen she gave me the nod and a kiss. It’s hard to think that six years has passed so quickly, that now we have two beautiful boys, but we always do wonder who our first baby would of been. I still remember the names we chose, Ollie James if he was a boy, Isabella Rose if she was a girl, yet when we did have our babies, neither of them names were an option.

After we got the all clear after 8 weeks and 2 procedures later, we were told it was a green light to try again. It’s like I was trying to replace what we had lost, but we wasn’t falling. Dan sat me down and told me it wasn’t going to happen because of the pressure I was putting on my self. To be honest, I was pining for our baby. We decided to put baby making on hold, and to try and just enjoy us time. By November, we was pregnant with Kellan, he just happened. Whoever was watching us decided that it was the right time for me to fall, and I was an anxious mess right through to the day he was born.

We didn’t know we had lost our first baby until our 12 week scan, no warning, no signs, nothing.

Kellan and Grayson will never replace what we lost, but made us appreciate life’s choices for us. Our first baby wasn’t ready yet, neither were we, but one thing for sure is, they made us know what we really wanted.

2190 days ago, yet it doesn’t seem that long. Always in our hearts little one.

Anxiety has hit me hard today..

Hey !

Sorry for lack of blogs, but what with flu, snow days and now getting back into my school routine, I haven’t had much time. Hope you wonderful lot are all ok :).

We had book day today at school, for some reason our school had a different date to the rest, Kellan went as Captain America and Grayson went as Iron Man. They looked super cute and had a fun day.

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I’m very anxious, I have been all day. My first born, my baby boy, is going on his first school trip tomorrow. I’ve just packed his little rucksack and gone through his checklist. His gone to bed so excited, me on the other hand, well quite frankly, I’m a mess.

The thought of dropping him off tomorrow and then letting him go on a coach to his little day out is terrifying me. Remember my blog about letting go? well this is another moment where he is slipping that little bit further out of my fingers. Oh my god seriously I think I’m going to cry.

I know he is going to have fun, his going to be with all his friends and he is so excited. I’ve just got to try, try and remember that everything will be ok. I wish I volunteered now, maybe I will do that for the next trip.

Not going to lie, I have actually thought about following them up there in my car and watching from a distance.

Please tell me it gets easier? I don’t want to be like this every time he leaves to go on a trip. Maybe it will get easier as he gets older, but I’m struggling with it at the moment, maybe because he is my first. I’ve never had to do this before, it’s all new to me.

Dan is upstairs reading them the Gruffalo Child, I’ve just cooked our dinner so now I am going to try and chill this evening, it will all be Ok.

 

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any comments are welcome xx

 

Oh What A Day..

Today has just been a snowball of events -excuse the pun, since we’ve had snow non stop today-

It started today when the Snow started and the kids didn’t get a snow day – bummer. I then ran home so me and Grayson could have our breakfast. I had my usual granola, G had his jam on toast. I had a doctors appointment at 09:50 so we were back out the door again before we knew it.

Just as we got in the car, it started snowing really heavy which made me late for the doctors. They were fine about it, everyone was stuck or running late. Grayson was being typical Grayson running around the waiting room, being noisy etc etc, then the nurse called me in. Grayson went walking into her room telling her that it was snowing. Now this was only for my three month pill check. I sat down and she had asked me if I was having any problems on the pill, if I was feeling ok and so on. While trying to keep Grayson occupied and talk to her, I was getting myself a little bit worked up. She then proceeded to take my blood pressure, fine, not a problem. Then she said “Ok, now I need you to step on the scales” for once, I was feeling smug – really smug as I have been dieting and trying to watch what I eat. On I step, cocky as you like. As I stepped on I said “they should show a loss, I’ve been dieting” she then looked at the scales and looked at me and said “oh, you’ve put on 1 kg” I think my face said it all. I was like what the actual fuck. So not only as that made me feel really shit about myself, she then proceeded to tell me that now my BMI is 30.8 and if it goes any higher I will have to go on the mini pill, not the combined as I am now classed as overweight. I’m a size 12-14, a little bit flabby in places yea, but I wouldn’t say I was over weight!? So yea, that was a bit of a blow. She then saw how disheartened I was and mentioned I was probably carrying a bit of water retention because of my monthlies. Thank you love, that’s made me feel better – NOT.

I came home, I was pissed off. My friend then called me and asked if I wanted to meet her and walk the dog. Wonderful, it had stopped snowing, G was knackered so he would of crashed in the pram and it gets the dog out for half hour. Go to the car, get the pram, put Grayson in all wrapped up and snuggly (I was so jealous). I then went to get the dog ready, put his harness on while he was jumping around like a lunatic, went to the cupboard to get a lead – no lead. Where the bloody hell was that!? I searched everywhere, I was shouting around the house to whoever was listening, I had pulled all the house out, I had trodden snow all through my clean floors because my Hunter Wellies are such a pain to get on and off. I then started angry texting Dan, poor sod is at work and I am going off at him because he was the last person to use the lead. By this point I am fuming, I am sweating and all the time G is sitting in his pram, outside the front door with his rain cover over him wondering what the fuck was going on!!!

After 15 minutes and failing to find the poxy lead, I decided to go for a belt. One of Dan’s belts. Finally, we are good to go. The snow is now coming down really bad again, Grayson is shielded from it all but still whinging, dog is loving it and then my phone rings. It was my friend. I was thinking she’s obviously wondering what is taking me so long. Nope, she was calling to say that she was heading home as the snow was getting really bad and her little girl was cold and wanted to go home. So around we turned, dog was now fuming, Grayson didn’t give a damn about what was going on and I was stressing about how long it was going to take to get my boots off!!

Ok fine, I put Grayson a bed because he was tired and tbh, I needed a coffee or something. I was debating doing a couple shots of Vodka, but it was only 12pm. I was a hungry by this point, and the mood I was in I wanted to demolish everything bad in the house, but I didn’t, I decided to cook an omelette. I can cook, quite well actually but one thing I don’t seem to get the hang of is omelette. So I beated some eggs (good for the bingo wings!) and went from there. Disaster. Oh my god, the state of it. It was an embarrassment. Threw the poxy thing straight in the bin and settled for boiled eggs on toast, I can manage that (still need to use an egg timer though)

Anyway, we made it, the kids are asleep. They had a lovely little bath and we used my Little Aurelia products (amazing btw! helps with sleep). They had a play in the snow and made some snowballs. I texted Dan on the way home and asked for emergency wine. I haven’t been drinking seeing as I’m trying to diet, but tonight I thought sod it. I need a glass. It’s going down too well though!

Tomorrow we have dentist with Kellan, two fillings. Poor kid obviously takes after his mama with his teeth. They don’t have juice, hardly have sweets yet the kid has two holes in his tooth. It’s going to be an emotional, stressful day.

I am now going to snuggle up on this cold evening and pray there is some more snow heading our way. Then I’m going to finish my wine while watching Grace and Frankie on Netflix – If you haven’t watched it then do, it’s hilarious.

 

Breastfeeding: Expectation VS Reality

I’m just waiting for my jacket potato to cook, house is cleaned, both kids are at school. In the moment of silence I have decided to write about something that is always a hot topic in the parenting world. Breastfeeding.

Before I fell pregnant, I was 100% certain that I was going to breastfeed my child. Why wouldn’t I? After all, breast is best was a phrase I always heard.

In my antenatal classes running up to giving birth to Kellan, we attended a breast feeding class. While pregnant. With no baby. The lady was going through all these pro’s of breast feeding like how it benefits the baby, you’ll lose your baby weight and also, having sex and not falling pregnant. This was definitely looking like the right path for me. No sterilising bottles, no having to walk downstairs at 3am in the morning to make up a bottle, no colic, no wind, no reflux. Why wouldn’t anyone want to breastfeed. The snuggling in bed while they are latched on, the ever lasting bond between you and baby while you carry out the most natural thing in the world.

Fast forward to Kellan being born, not only am I now feeling like a failure because I couldn’t give birth to him as my body wouldn’t dilate past 5cm’s and even on the drip I struggled, I was then faced with our first breast feeding experience. I held my chunky 9lb baby up to me, and done everything the midwifes had showed me. Dan was sitting by my side anxiously watching me. I always remember him saying “don’t stress about it, just try, if we don’t breastfeed him there is always formula” – but in my head I’m thinking, No, I am going to breastfeed this child as that’s what he needs, it’s the best start in life for him.

After him trying to latch on and us failing miserably, I called the midwifes in. There I am, post c-section, a screaming child head butting me to find my boob and a midwifes cold hands clasped around my boob, squeezing it into the baby’s mouth. What didn’t help is that I have inverted nipples, I don’t have big boobs, they’re manageable I thought.

After what felt like hours, trying to get him to latch, he would latch for a few minutes, come off my boob and scream the house down. I still wasn’t going to give up.

Three days later, a baby that wasn’t happy, a new mummy who was exhausted and feeling like I was failing, I called the midwifes over. I wanted to go home, I wanted my baby to breastfeed, I wanted this bond that I had heard so much about. She told me that I couldn’t leave until I could competently feed my baby via breast. If I wasn’t going to, then I needed to be shown to be feeding him a bottle so they could see that I could feed him.

What a blow.

I wasn’t being lazy, I wasn’t not attempting to give the baby the best start in life, I was failing. I was failing once again at something that should come so naturally.

I just physically couldn’t do it, I had to feed my baby, so I gave in and gave him his bottle.

What gets to me, is when I see people thinking that people who don’t breast feed are lazy. Most of us don’t choose to not breast feed, there are a few of us, but it’s our decision as humans, but most of us can’t. Some of us don’t produce enough milk, but we manage to feed our babies by bottles – we all have one job, to look after and feed our babies in any way we can.

Stop judging and stereotyping breastfeeding/non-breastfeeding mums. We are all doing the best we can. We need to support each other.

New Year New Me.. or something like that..

Hello!!

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. I hope Santa bought you everything you wished for. We all had a wonderful break, apart from spending most of my Boxing Day on the Loo because of a bad IBS flare up, I still had a wonderful day. It’s all gone a bit too quick for my liking, I get a bit sad once Christmas is over. All the hype, the organising and preparing and the food, don’t forget the food. My tree is coming down tonight, makes me sad keep looking at it.

Now, I normally make the same old resolutions: lose weight, go to the gym, eat healthy blah blah blah. I normally kerb them about three/four weeks into January. I like my food too much.

This year, I am starting something new, something fresh – these are my resolutions:

  • Lose weight (yes, this one is here, again! but I do have a rather beautiful wedding gown that I need to fit my fat arse into in August, so yes, I do need to lose some weight)
  • Be more positive. (I am a very negative person, I outweigh the negatives to the positives and I am also very pessimistic)
  • Don’t sweat over the little things (like losing my shit because my children won’t put their shoes on after the 100th time of asking)
  • Try to relax and be more calming (I’m a anxious, sweaty mess 99.5% of the time)
  • Let my children be children (now, this might to some of you, seem like a silly resolution, but to me its not. Like I have said above ^^ I sweat and stress over the little things, I get anxious because their toys are everywhere, they’re loud, they’re destructive, but most importantly, they’re kids, and occasionally, I forget that. I’m just getting real here, my anxiety plays me up, it makes me a mess. I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, no. But I do struggle with some things on a daily basis. I don’t want to look back in years to come and feel like my children missed out because of how I am. So yea, this is a BIG one for me. My OCD needs to back the fuck down and let me enjoy every moment of this joyous ride that is children)

 

Anyway, me and Dan are staying home on NYE’s because, lets be honest, taking your kids out and keeping them up at Midnight, or letting them flake and fall asleep anywhere for your own selfish doing is not fair. Yes, I did let them stay up for Christmas day as we were at families, but that’s different.

I don’t overly enjoy NYE, not because I have had a bad year, I just think it is an overpriced evening to go out and get drunk, when lets be honest, I can do that from the comfort of my own home, with my wonderful Daniel and watch the London fireworks on TV. #winning

We have made plans with some of our parent friends to go for a “brisk”, and I mean “brisk” walk, then head to the pub for a few drinks while the kids play just to wish everyone a Happy New Year, then we will go home, order a takeaway, get our Jim Jams on, pop a bottle and see the New Year in with a bang (tut, all you dirty minded people)

I hope you all have a wonderful New Year, and I hope 2018 brings health and happiness to you and your families.

Lots of Love X