Breastfeeding: Expectation VS Reality

I’m just waiting for my jacket potato to cook, house is cleaned, both kids are at school. In the moment of silence I have decided to write about something that is always a hot topic in the parenting world. Breastfeeding.

Before I fell pregnant, I was 100% certain that I was going to breastfeed my child. Why wouldn’t I? After all, breast is best was a phrase I always heard.

In my antenatal classes running up to giving birth to Kellan, we attended a breast feeding class. While pregnant. With no baby. The lady was going through all these pro’s of breast feeding like how it benefits the baby, you’ll lose your baby weight and also, having sex and not falling pregnant. This was definitely looking like the right path for me. No sterilising bottles, no having to walk downstairs at 3am in the morning to make up a bottle, no colic, no wind, no reflux. Why wouldn’t anyone want to breastfeed. The snuggling in bed while they are latched on, the ever lasting bond between you and baby while you carry out the most natural thing in the world.

Fast forward to Kellan being born, not only am I now feeling like a failure because I couldn’t give birth to him as my body wouldn’t dilate past 5cm’s and even on the drip I struggled, I was then faced with our first breast feeding experience. I held my chunky 9lb baby up to me, and done everything the midwifes had showed me. Dan was sitting by my side anxiously watching me. I always remember him saying “don’t stress about it, just try, if we don’t breastfeed him there is always formula” – but in my head I’m thinking, No, I am going to breastfeed this child as that’s what he needs, it’s the best start in life for him.

After him trying to latch on and us failing miserably, I called the midwifes in. There I am, post c-section, a screaming child head butting me to find my boob and a midwifes cold hands clasped around my boob, squeezing it into the baby’s mouth. What didn’t help is that I have inverted nipples, I don’t have big boobs, they’re manageable I thought.

After what felt like hours, trying to get him to latch, he would latch for a few minutes, come off my boob and scream the house down. I still wasn’t going to give up.

Three days later, a baby that wasn’t happy, a new mummy who was exhausted and feeling like I was failing, I called the midwifes over. I wanted to go home, I wanted my baby to breastfeed, I wanted this bond that I had heard so much about. She told me that I couldn’t leave until I could competently feed my baby via breast. If I wasn’t going to, then I needed to be shown to be feeding him a bottle so they could see that I could feed him.

What a blow.

I wasn’t being lazy, I wasn’t not attempting to give the baby the best start in life, I was failing. I was failing once again at something that should come so naturally.

I just physically couldn’t do it, I had to feed my baby, so I gave in and gave him his bottle.

What gets to me, is when I see people thinking that people who don’t breast feed are lazy. Most of us don’t choose to not breast feed, there are a few of us, but it’s our decision as humans, but most of us can’t. Some of us don’t produce enough milk, but we manage to feed our babies by bottles – we all have one job, to look after and feed our babies in any way we can.

Stop judging and stereotyping breastfeeding/non-breastfeeding mums. We are all doing the best we can. We need to support each other.

Two to Three..

Before I get to the main part of my blog, I thought I would let you know what happened to me this morning. I was mortified. Kellan was unwell during the night, his had about 4 hours sleep – the whole night. He couldn’t settle, he was uncomfortable and in and out of bed. He woke up at 8, and I decided to keep him off school, he was exhausted. So I only had to get Grayson dressed, it was lovely. You don’t realise how easy it is with just one. Anyway, so me and Grayson left for the school run so he could go to nursery. We have to get there early to get a parking space, so once we are parked, I unstrap him and he comes and sits in the front with me until we have to get out. He touches everything, he climbs to and from the back of the car, he pretends to drive – he just don’t sit still.

About 8:40 I decided we should get out the car and start walking towards the nursery. I told him to stay in the car while Mummy gets his bag and coat – do you think he listened? did he fuck.

I shut the door because it was freezing, walked round the other side of the car to get his bits and the door wouldn’t open. I was like “shit” he was now sitting in the drivers seat looking all smug – I run back round to the other side of the car and noticed that not only had my son locked himself in the car, he also had the keys in there with him. So here I am at 8:45 talking in slow motion and pointing to tell Grayson to press the button on the door to unlock the car. I was panicking, he touched every button except the unlock button. Finally, 5 minutes later I was back in the car. Lesson learned, take the keys out of the car so you don’t get locked out.

Now onto my blog topic:

Lately me and my partner have been speaking about baby number 3.. Kellan is at school, Grayson is in nursery three days a week – We spoke about maybe extending our brood from two to three. Not yet though, I’ve got to fit my arse into my wedding dress in August and not being selfish, but I don’t really want to be pregnant in sweltering heat in a wedding dress. How do you know if you will cope as a mum of three?

Families of four seem to be the perfect family. No need for a bigger car, when you book a holiday the family ticket is two adults, two children, hotels etc. I’m from a family of five, so I know it works and you deal with it, but just got me thinking.

Do we really want to start from scratch? By next year, Grayson starts full time school, I can go back to work, we start to get our lives back a bit. We didn’t get a chance to baby Kellan for as long as we wanted because Grayson come along, so we seem to be babying Grayson a hell of a lot. We don’t want him to grow up. Whats triggered this topic again is because Grayson used the toilet for the first time last night, and as much as I was bursting with pride, my heart also broke a little bit. He really is growing up.

We never had the whole trying thing with either of mine, we knew we wanted a baby after the one we lost, so we just let Kellan happen, and Grayson was a pleasant surprise who we wanted, but just not as soon as he happened!

I don’t know what we want to do, I always thought we were finished, it was always going to be Me, Dan the boys and the dog, but now it seems, we are both maybe wanting a third a little bit more. Maybe it’s because the boys are growing up, and we miss them being so dependant on us.

How did you decide to take the leap from two to three if you did? Are three children a lot harder then two? I found it hard adjusting from one to two, which makes me think that it can’t be much different? Another silly thing that puts me off wanting to extend our brood is that Grayson will become the middle child and suffer from “middle child syndrome” – and don’t tell me it doesn’t exist because, I’m a middle child, and it does haha!

I’ve never had to drag my newborns out on school runs, because of them being so close we could just chill and snuggle indoors while Daddy left for work so that’s another reason that puts me off.

Let me know your thoughts. What made you make the decision to extend your family? How big is your age gap?

Comment below,

Love, A x

Are we good mums?

How many of you actually feel like you are a good mum? Does anyone tell you that you are a good mum?

Honestly, I think my partner has told me maybe five times in total that I’m a good mum, and that’s normally because I’ve got upset over the kids or something thats happened. I don’t think he has ever said it off his own back. (sorry if I’m wrong Dan!!)

Just tonight, we’ve had a bit of a parenting disagreement as we all do at some point in this rollercoaster ride that they call kids. We can’t always agree, and I think that has to do with me and him being bought up so differently.

Something he said to me was “you moan to me when you’ve had a bad day, that’s why I step in” – it’s true, I do moan to him, because his my partner. But that doesn’t mean that I always agree with what is said, same as he doesn’t always agree with what I say.

I do have days I feel like a complete failure, I feel like I let my kids down, I feel like I’m sometimes too hard on them for the wrong things, then too soft when maybe I needed to be a bit harder? I don’t ever see myself as a “good mum”.

I shared something on my Instagram: justamummy__x (just incase you want to follow my everyday life with my two boys) which has made me want to write this. We choose to put our children before any needs that we may need, I sometimes have days where I don’t eat because I’m seeing to them, I want to make them happy over myself and make sure I can be the best I can be, somedays are harder then ever. I know I make mistakes, I’m human. I’ve been a mum for nearly 5 years, but I still don’t know if I am doing it right. I am still learning. No one prepares you for this, you get all the antenatal classes and what to expect while you are pregnant, how to breastfeed etc, etc.

No one tells you this part, the days where you don’t know how much more you can give, how much longer you can go on the broken sleep and the days where you don’t know if you’ve done enough – but we all need to be reminded sometimes, that we can carry on, we can get through these hard days. Every mum feels like they have failed (at least once a week) but we are all still learning. Please remember that.

Us mums need to be easy on ourselves, we are all doing a fantastic job, to our children we are perfect. They always look up to their mama’s.

so, I wrote this little message to myself:

I just like to sometimes remind myself that I’m doing ok and I’m not a total failure as a mum.

Because let’s be honest, it only takes one thing to make you think you’ve mucked it up, but I’m a good mum – how do I know?

My kids show me 

& one more thing,

YOU ARE A GOOD MUM.

New Year New Me.. or something like that..

Hello!!

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. I hope Santa bought you everything you wished for. We all had a wonderful break, apart from spending most of my Boxing Day on the Loo because of a bad IBS flare up, I still had a wonderful day. It’s all gone a bit too quick for my liking, I get a bit sad once Christmas is over. All the hype, the organising and preparing and the food, don’t forget the food. My tree is coming down tonight, makes me sad keep looking at it.

Now, I normally make the same old resolutions: lose weight, go to the gym, eat healthy blah blah blah. I normally kerb them about three/four weeks into January. I like my food too much.

This year, I am starting something new, something fresh – these are my resolutions:

• Lose weight (yes, this one is here, again! but I do have a rather beautiful wedding gown that I need to fit my fat arse into in August, so yes, I do need to lose some weight)
• Be more positive. (I am a very negative person, I outweigh the negatives to the positives and I am also very pessimistic)
• Don’t sweat over the little things (like losing my shit because my children won’t put their shoes on after the 100th time of asking)
• Try to relax and be more calming (I’m a anxious, sweaty mess 99.5% of the time)
• Let my children be children (now, this might to some of you, seem like a silly resolution, but to me its not. Like I have said above ^^ I sweat and stress over the little things, I get anxious because their toys are everywhere, they’re loud, they’re destructive, but most importantly, they’re kids, and occasionally, I forget that. I’m just getting real here, my anxiety plays me up, it makes me a mess. I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, no. But I do struggle with some things on a daily basis. I don’t want to look back in years to come and feel like my children missed out because of how I am. So yea, this is a BIG one for me. My OCD needs to back the fuck down and let me enjoy every moment of this joyous ride that is children)

 

Anyway, me and Dan are staying home on NYE’s because, lets be honest, taking your kids out and keeping them up at Midnight, or letting them flake and fall asleep anywhere for your own selfish doing is not fair. Yes, I did let them stay up for Christmas day as we were at families, but that’s different.

I don’t overly enjoy NYE, not because I have had a bad year, I just think it is an overpriced evening to go out and get drunk, when lets be honest, I can do that from the comfort of my own home, with my wonderful Daniel and watch the London fireworks on TV. #winning

We have made plans with some of our parent friends to go for a “brisk”, and I mean “brisk” walk, then head to the pub for a few drinks while the kids play just to wish everyone a Happy New Year, then we will go home, order a takeaway, get our Jim Jams on, pop a bottle and see the New Year in with a bang (tut, all you dirty minded people)

I hope you all have a wonderful New Year, and I hope 2018 brings health and happiness to you and your families.

Lots of Love X

 

Expectation VS Reality: Christmas

Now, I love Christmas. Hands down my favourite time of the year. The food, the smells, the cold weather, the present giving and all the films.

I’m sitting here while eating my cheesy crumpets and drinking my hot cup of tea thinking about how wonderful Christmas this year will be, and also reflecting over the past few Christmases since becoming parents. All that magic and excitement you felt as a child all comes back, but this time you feel it through your children. The excitement of counting down everyday until the big fat man comes down your chimney (or through your front door, if like us, you don’t have a fireplace), leaving his snacks out and a cheeky whisky, not quite sure how he manages to fly his sleigh after all the alcohol he gets left, anyway, the excitement of running upstairs and getting tucked into bed as soon as it turns dark because you are just that excited.

I always remember the broken sleep on Christmas Eve, thinking I could hear Father Christmas walking up my stairs to unload my presents into my sack. Our presents never got left under the tree, always in our “Santa Sacks”. Thinking back now, Father Christmas is quite frighting when you think about it, a big old, fat man who you don’t actually know coming into your home.. not quite right, but anyway – We all love Father Christmas!

I was always woke first in our house, normally about 3-4am (my poor parents, if my kids woke that early I would send them back to bed), I would run into my younger brothers room and wake him up by shouting “FATHER CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN! HIS BEEN! HIS BEEN!” then run across the landing to wake my older brother up and shout exactly the same, while I was waking him up my younger brother then used to sprint across the landing into my mum and dad’s bedroom and wake them up. Looking back now, it must of been hell. I know what it’s like and how long it takes to get everything set up and ready for Christmas morning, I don’t end up going a bed till late trying to make sure everything is perfect. My mum would never let us open our presents until they had, had their morning cup of tea. Me and Dan funnily enough do the same, it’s funny you seem to copy and pick up certain things from each others family traditions.

Our two are still a bit too young to get excited about everything to do with Christmas, but Kellan is super excited about Father Christmas bringing his “Jackson Storm Truck” that his asked for, then Grayson copies but says he wants a “Lightning McQueen Car”.

Now, I do try and make Christmas perfect and fun, but lets be honest – it doesn’t happen. I decided last year to start Elf on The Shelf.. what a bloody bad decision, I hate the creepy little twat. Plus, I forget to move him, his been sitting in the door bow for four days because I cant be bothered to move him. I might “accidently” throw him away when I’m doing the Christmas de-clutter. I like to get the table and laid and set ready for the drama’s of cooking in the morning, now, I don’t like to blow my own horn but I actually am quite good organising the dinner, and seem to be able to get it all ready at the same time. The turkey starts cooking at 5am, I prep all the vegetables and potatoes the night before. I then sit there before going to bed getting all excited about how Kellan and Grayson are going to love their presents and play so lovely. When in fact, I know that it will start world war three because they won’t want to share and they’ll want what ever present each of them have, it’s just carnage. We then go and get dressed in our best outfits to stay indoors. The kids just eat whatever they feel like, I’m normally drunk by 11am (not even sorry), Dan is getting fed up trying to set up the toys and put them together while the kids have got bored waiting and start ripping into something else. We all fall into food coma’s because it is acceptable to over eat and indulge in absolutely everything on Christmas, then sit in silence binging on TV because, you know, it’s Christmas.

This year we are at Dan’s families, which I am looking forward to but also a bit sad because even though all the above does stress me out and you constantly push yourself to out do last year, but I love being at home. I like that the kids can please themselves, me and Dan can quite happily have a drink while arguing over who’s right and wrong when it comes to the dinner, and that we only have to please ourselves.

So this Christmas is going to be quite lazy really, I have one job to do. Cook a duck. Why I chose a duck I really don’t know, Dan thought we should get something different.. I originally thought I pre-ordered a Goose. But no, I got my email yesterday and it seems for some unknown reason I bloody ordered a Duck. I’ve also decided I’m not wrapping the kids presents because Father Christmas doesn’t feel like wrapping them this year, they are going straight in their sacks. Our present’s were never wrapped from Father Christmas, so going to see how it goes this year. It will be great I’m sure, every year something goes a bit upside down, but we all still have

a wonderful time.

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and I hope Father Christmas brings you everything you ever wished for. Thank you for reading my blogs (I hope you’ve enjoyed them).

I am so ready for Christmas Break..

It’s Saturday morning, kids are watching Paw Patrol while playing with their cars. I love listening to them play and how they run away with their imaginations. I have a hot cuppa tea on the side, a clean house and sausages cooking in the oven.

Three more days of the school run, three! I can’t wait, I am so ready for the christmas break, and so are the kids.

Everything is bought and wrapped, apart from the kids bits. Normally I am getting all the final bits ready for christmas dinner, but this year we’re not at home. I love being at home for Christmas, I don’t like the rushing around of a morning and I like the kids being able to chill and play with their new bits they’ve received from Santa.

This year we are going to Dan’s sisters, I have only spent Christmas once with at his families for christmas in the seven years we have been together, and this year, he wanted to spend Christmas with all of his family. I decided to get a duck to cook for Christmas dinner, thought I ordered a goose, but nope. It was a duck.

We’ve had a busy few weeks with Kellan’s school bits, we had his first Nativity play which was so cute, he was a sheep! a very cute sheep if I say so myself. It has actually been non stop, then we’ve all been unwell which has been crap but hopefully we are now all over it.

I don’t get to spend a lot of time one on one with my two, if anything, I spend more time with Grayson than I do Kellan, one, because Kellan is at school and two, people take Kellan over Grayson when they decide to have one of them for the day.

On Thursday, I was feeling slightly worse for wear, I had been out with a few of the mums and had one to many bottles of Prossecco. I was hoping to go home and just have a film day with Grayson, but then I remembered we had Grayson’s pre-school christmas party at a soft play.. I was dreading it. But, it was so nice, me and Grayson played, I watched him play with his little nursery friends and teachers so I did get about 10 minutes to enjoy my hot, steamy, well needed coffee.

After the party finished, I decided to treat us both to a little McDonald’s while watching some of the planes at a local airport near us. I felt relaxed and happy. It was cold but bright so decided I would take Grayson for a walk with the dog, as I opened the front door I was hit by this horrendous smell. Dog sick and shit. The hangover queasiness kicked back in. I was dry heaving while cleaning up. Sick and shit cleared up, we went for our little walk. We then had to go back to the school and walk with Kellan and his class to the postbox to post their santa letters. It was a really nice day, these are the days I love (apart from the dog sick and shit, obviously).

By the time we got back to Kellan’s school, Grayson had fallen asleep in the pram. We thought we would be sent away to go and wait in the cars until the kids had finished school, but we were all invited in to have biscuits with the kids and see them in their classroom. It was so lovely to see.

I think we are all ready for the Christmas break, and you know what? I can’t wait!

Roll on the festivities.

Have a lovely weekend X

Appreciation Post..

First off, can we all just take a minute to mourn that we will now NEVER get the chance to marry Prince Harry and become the princess we always dreamt of..

Now, I don’t normally write soppy stuff, but this is a little self appreciation blog. On all levels of social media, I see people writing how unhappy they are, or what their men don’t do for them. I, 99.5% of the time, think I’ve struck gold with Dan. Don’t get me wrong, he can be a dick head, and so can I, but we can’t all be perfect can we?

He works hard to give us a lovely house, a lovely car, we hardly ever want for anything. He is a wonderful partner, and a fantastic dad. I sometimes feel that I’m being selfish for having an amazing partner. Amongst some of my friends, he is known as Saint Dan – The man who does no wrong. (trust me, he isn’t a saint)

We have rocky patches, we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t, but we don’t hold grudges. We talk about it, apologise if need be and move on. Life is too short to bicker.

A few of my friends haven’t had lay ins since becoming parents, why.. because their husbands think they don’t deserve them because they don’t work. I don’t work, but at least once or twice a month I get a lay in, I don’t have to ask. Yes I’m a stay at home mum, but that doesn’t mean I don’t do anything all day. Somedays I would rather be a work than at home with two kids who don’t listen to a word I say and destroy my house.

When he gets home late, and the kids are a bed, he goes upstairs and kisses them goodnight. I couldn’t think of anything worse than going to work while their asleep and coming home to them asleep. I take that bit for granted.

If I’m ill, and he can help, I don’t have to lift a finger. He helps around the house, cooks, cleans, washes, and manages to keep the kids alive. I can be a bit of a brat sometimes, and I take my hat off to him because I don’t think I could put up with me, but then again, people couldn’t put up with him.

I really do believe you end up with who you are meant to be with, your soulmate. I met Dan seven years ago, I wasn’t in a good place in my relationship and I found it easy to talk to someone I hardly knew about my problems. We became friends, and I know it’s easy to say because I found it, but I think that’s an added bonus if you are good friends before.

We had only been together 2 years when I fell pregnant with Kellan, 2 years, that’s not long to be settling down and planning a family. We were still getting to know each other, there was so much we wanted to know and learn. We wanted to travel, buy a house, get married before kids even crossed our minds. But these things you have no control over sometimes, but, if we had the chance, we would do it all again, exactly the same way.

I am very lucky to have met him, and next year, I get to marry him. Which is amazing. Obviously.

So to all the other mama’s who have hardworking, adorable, not afraid to help partners –  here’s to us. Our supermen. Our princes. Our soulmates… who needs Prince Harry?

(who am I kidding, still sad about Prince Harry..)

 

Lets get ready to ramble..

First of all, sorry for once again going radio silent. Had a manic few weeks and still trying to get back into the swing of the school run after a wonderful two weeks half term. My parents are staying at ours for a few weeks due to their villa in Spain being refurbished, and also they’re waiting for their new house back here to be ready so they can move in.

I’m hating the school run  this term, not even going to lie. This term just seems to be so much more of an effort. The boys are still loving school and pre-school, but it’s just trying to get us all out in the morning. Here’s an example of how today panned out:

06:30am – Alarm goes off

06:45am – pull myself out of my lovely, cosy bed and headed for the stairs to find Kellan, once again, in my mum and dad’s bed. Instantly pissed off as this has now been going on for a week.

07:00am – make the much needed cup of tea

07:05am – sit down while the kids are demanding biscuits for breakfast. Breakfast sorted (might of been biscuits, sh)

07:35am – have now realised that maybe we should all go up to get ready, seeing as we have to leave at 8am, 8:10am is our limit (I am normally up and dressed, but this week, I just can’t be bothered)

08:00am – after bickering with my 4 and 2 year old to get dressed and brush their bloody teeth, we are dressed. Text my friend to tell her we are leaving in 5.

08:10am – my kids are still sitting on the fucking stairs after asking them 1000 times to get their BLOODY SHOES out of the shoe drawer.

08:15am – Kellan is refusing to go to school, Grayson is in the car, in his car chair, happy as a pig in shit. I storm back into the house, by this point I have lost it.

“Kellan!!!! If you do not come down these stairs right now I am going to drag you to the car” yes, I did say drag. No, I didn’t mean it, and No, I definitely wouldn’t of done it. Just thought I better clear that up for you all.

All of a sudden out of his mouth comes “Don’t you dare say that Mummy! That’s rude, you are not my best friend anymore” After our little disagreement, off to the car we go.

08:30am – arrive at my friends, 15 minutes late. fantastic.

We walked to school, we made it. But yea, it wasn’t fun.  I felt like I could of cried today, it all got a bit too much.

When I got home, my mum told me she had to stay in the bathroom as she couldn’t stop laughing at me and Kellan’s conversation.

Now, I love having my mum and dad here, we get on really well. They are excellent with the kids, mum helps out a lot, she’s helping with the housework, washing, cooking etc. but my kids push it, they don’t listen to me at the best of times, but now Nanny and GaGa are here, well, I am fucked.

Before mum and Dad arrived, I laid down some “ground rules”:

1. When mummy says no, it means no. Whether they agree with it or not, it means no. I don’t want to be undermined, especially not in front of the boys.
2. No iPads. I don’t mind every now and again, but not every day.

Rule 1 has stood

Rule 2? What Rule 2? The first few days the kids were on them, constantly. Before school, after school, the weekend. Look, I don’t mind the kids having the iPads, I know it’s the way of the world now, but I don’t want them on them 24/7.

After a few days, they calmed down, now, they’ve broken… woohoo.

I don’t know if you get this with your parents but my boys will immediately go to them when I’ve said no. To be honest, since mum and dad have been here, I am shocked that it is actually more my dad that gives in than my mum! I think when it comes to parents VS grandparents, it’s the generation gap. How they were bought up is completely different to how kids are being bought up today. There is no right or wrong way to parent, just different.

Me and Dan love my mum and dad to pieces, they are amazing with the kids, and I honestly couldn’t wish for better parents or grandparents for my kids. I’m going to miss them when they move.

Enough rambling from me, it’s now time to have a much needed glass of wine and watch I’m a Celebrity 🙂 X

Dear Old You, Please Come Back..

I remember when I was pregnant, people used to say enjoy your sleep, enjoy your date nights, enjoy it just being you two. We used to laugh it off, we weren’t going to change as a couple was we? Yup. Yup we did.

I became a shadow of myself, I think that happened after we lost our first baby. I went into a spiral of depression, I never thought I would get out of it, but we did. That was because of Kellan. After having him we were over the moon, Dan was head over heels in love with him, Me? not so much. I didn’t get the instance rush of love hit me when I had him, I instantly felt guilty because that’s all I heard from people. I put it down to my section and shitty labour. I remember being in hospital for three days, waiting for this love to hit me. It still didn’t.

 When me and Kellan was finally let home, Dan had done all the house work and washing so I didn’t have to worry about it. I was laid up either in bed or on the sofa while Dan, Super Daddy, ran around doing everything. He was doing the cleaning, the feeding, the bathing, the sterilising and the cooking. My parents were amazing, coming round to help where they could. This newborn baby had came in like a whirlwind. He really did turn us upside down.

After Dan’s two week paternity leave, my anxiety kicked in. Dan gave me and our baby a kiss and then left for work. There I was, sitting with this newborn baby thinking what the hell do I do. I must of fed and changed him a handful of times while Dan was on paternity leave, which now looking back at, he done me an injustice because he didn’t give me a chance to bond with him, to take my newborn baby in. I cried, I didn’t know what I was doing. I was scared, alone and felt like I had failed already. I remember looking at him thinking, it’s just me and you kid, be kind to me. I shrugged the post natal depression off because I was scared my baby was going to be taken from me, or people were going to judge me. Everyone around me knew I had it, but no one sat down and talked about it. I laughed through the post natal depression questionnaire, I didn’t want to harm my baby, I didn’t want to run and leave my baby, I just needed someone to talk to, someone to tell me that we were going to be ok, that I was going to be ok. I realised I had postnatal depression when I first had Kellan when he was about 6 months old. By this point, I had accepted and I had gone through this, and I got out of it, alone.

After about 3 months of being mummy and daddy, me and Dan hit a rocky patch. How people can say that having a baby saves a relationship is lying. If anything, it can easily destroy a relationship. I went to live with my mum for a week, just to get a break of being at home, I just needed some time. We got through it, obviously, we have just hit seven years together and have had another baby and are getting married.

When we were getting into our routine, me, mum and Dan were talking. I remember when he said to my mum “I just want my old Ashleigh back” my mums word hit us, she said “that Ashleigh has gone, when you met her, she was not a mum. When you become a mum, without realising you change as a person” she was right, she hit the nail on the head. I look back at old photos and think look how care free I was, we had no worries or problems, we slept, we bought what we wanted, ate when we wanted too, never had a schedule, we were selfish, it was just us. My priority is to make sure my children are happy and loved, Dan is happy and loved, and I come last. Because as a mum, you put yourself last. I’m not the care free girl I once was, she does make an appearance every now and again, but then Mum kicks in and care free me goes into hibernation for a little while.

I’m happy with my life, I couldn’t wish for anything more, but if I could go back, I would cherish the old me. Just a little bit.

On Friday, Kellan got sent home with the class teddy for the weekend. He was so excited, and couldn’t wait to tell me why he had been picked. As he ran upto me, Mickey in hand, school bag round his neck he said “Mummy!! I’ve got Mickey, because I’ve been working so hard!!” my heart was bursting with pride. Earlier in the week he had got the “Star of The Day” certificate for putting his coat on correctly, and doing the zip up. To some parents and kids, that isn’t a big deal, but to me, Dan and Kellan – it was. If that wasn’t enough, he has even been moved up to pink books and been given his set of blue words to learn. We are really proud parents this week.

To be honest, at first, I was dreading having Mickey over the weekend. 1. because we didn’t have much planned and 2. because I didn’t have a clue what to do with him, but we got there. We had our ‘Pizza in a box’ night on Friday and the kids watched Sing! then Mickey went up to bed for a sleepover while me and Dan had a date night watching my niece and nephew in their show, Oliver! at the local theatre. On Saturday we had a day indoors, until we decided to go for dinner. We took Mickey over to Pizza Express and he enjoyed another dinner, then headed to our friends for their little boys 2nd birthday party, and today we have played and watched films. I’ve had to take photos and put it in Mickey’s diary so the class can sit down tomorrow and discuss what Mickey had been up to, which was eat. All we did was eat.

I had a lovely wake up call this morning, Grayson woke about 7, so I put him in bed with us. It was too cold to get up yet, plus it was Sunday. He dozed back off once he was nice and cosy under the covers, fidgeting away. I was sort of in and out of sleep when all of a sudden he has sat up and threw his head back. He head butted me in the mouth and put my teeth through my lip, so I have been sporting a wonderful busted lip that my two year old gave me.

I wanted a nice kid free, quiet bath this evening, do you think that happened? No. It didn’t happen because Dan has been the garage for nearly two hours “printing” these Mickey Mouse photos, so I’ve had a bath with my kids sitting there watching, poking and asking questions about my body. It wasn’t quite the relaxing bath I was hoping for.

Kellan has got to the point of bedtime where it is always something – “Mummy I don’t feel well, I need to go in your bed” “Mummy, I am so hungry” “Mummy can you fill my drink up again please” “Mummy, I just need to go for a wee wee in the downstairs toilet” Now his had a cuddle, a snack, a fresh water and a wee wee, I am hoping he has settled down for the evening. It’s funny because Grayson copies everything his brother does, so he comes to the stairs and says the same things as Kellan in his own little language.

I hope you have all had a lovely weekend, we’ve had a very chilled and relaxed Sunday.

A x