Suns Out, Suns Out..

Today has been a strange one to say the least, Kellan has been at school and I’ve been at home with Grayson. We played outside, then he wanted to come inside and watch Hop!, then back outside, then inside.. you can see the pattern here?

Grayson has been a bit testing over the last couple of weeks, temper tantrums mixed with tiredness has just been a bit too much for me. I am trying to try new discipline techniques, we are getting there, slowly but surely.

So anyway, I had dentist today. I don’t like the dentist, it is a really big fear of mine. I stupidly decided to book a check up with the kids. To be honest, I tried to be a lot calmer for their sake as they love the dentist. Appointment was at 16:15, I am literally sweating out, majorly. It’s ridiculous. The receptionist’s were just staring at my two lunatics running around the hot waiting room, there’s nothing for them to play with so they were amusing themselves, and tbh, I was so nervous, I didn’t have the energy to rein them in.

Now, I told both boys that mummy was very scared of the dentist and I needed them to try their hardest to be good for mummy and if they could hold my hand.

16:35 arrives, and we were called through. Kellan threw me under the bus and put me forward first, but my little mate G run to the dentist chair and got comfortable. Next was my turn, G was insistent that he was sitting on my lap, the poor dentist was trying to check my teeth with Grayson fidgeting and trying to climb up and down off of my lap. After five minutes the dentist told me I needed a filling and deep clean but he will re-book me in. It just went downhill from there, kids were trying to run out the door while I was talking to the dentist, I then tried to pay and my card got declined twice. My face was melting, I am pretty sure I had sweat patches down to my hips! The receptionist wasn’t very sympathetic while I am trying to think what account I needed to pay out of, while trying to watch what the boys were doing. I then asked if I could rebook my appointment and she made it quite clear that I should probably call back once I am at home, without the kids. So I replied “of course, I will call you once I have taken my Demon children home” and walked out.

I was pissed off, hot, freaking out about my filling and tbh, I just wanted to get home to a big glass of wine.

Kids are now a bed, Dan is watching a film and I’m, well, Blogging.

I am enjoying this sunshine though, I don’t want it to ever leave!

Thank God it’s Friday tomorrow, hope you are all ok,

A x

Oh What A Day..

Today has just been a snowball of events -excuse the pun, since we’ve had snow non stop today-

It started today when the Snow started and the kids didn’t get a snow day – bummer. I then ran home so me and Grayson could have our breakfast. I had my usual granola, G had his jam on toast. I had a doctors appointment at 09:50 so we were back out the door again before we knew it.

Just as we got in the car, it started snowing really heavy which made me late for the doctors. They were fine about it, everyone was stuck or running late. Grayson was being typical Grayson running around the waiting room, being noisy etc etc, then the nurse called me in. Grayson went walking into her room telling her that it was snowing. Now this was only for my three month pill check. I sat down and she had asked me if I was having any problems on the pill, if I was feeling ok and so on. While trying to keep Grayson occupied and talk to her, I was getting myself a little bit worked up. She then proceeded to take my blood pressure, fine, not a problem. Then she said “Ok, now I need you to step on the scales” for once, I was feeling smug – really smug as I have been dieting and trying to watch what I eat. On I step, cocky as you like. As I stepped on I said “they should show a loss, I’ve been dieting” she then looked at the scales and looked at me and said “oh, you’ve put on 1 kg” I think my face said it all. I was like what the actual fuck. So not only as that made me feel really shit about myself, she then proceeded to tell me that now my BMI is 30.8 and if it goes any higher I will have to go on the mini pill, not the combined as I am now classed as overweight. I’m a size 12-14, a little bit flabby in places yea, but I wouldn’t say I was over weight!? So yea, that was a bit of a blow. She then saw how disheartened I was and mentioned I was probably carrying a bit of water retention because of my monthlies. Thank you love, that’s made me feel better – NOT.

I came home, I was pissed off. My friend then called me and asked if I wanted to meet her and walk the dog. Wonderful, it had stopped snowing, G was knackered so he would of crashed in the pram and it gets the dog out for half hour. Go to the car, get the pram, put Grayson in all wrapped up and snuggly (I was so jealous). I then went to get the dog ready, put his harness on while he was jumping around like a lunatic, went to the cupboard to get a lead – no lead. Where the bloody hell was that!? I searched everywhere, I was shouting around the house to whoever was listening, I had pulled all the house out, I had trodden snow all through my clean floors because my Hunter Wellies are such a pain to get on and off. I then started angry texting Dan, poor sod is at work and I am going off at him because he was the last person to use the lead. By this point I am fuming, I am sweating and all the time G is sitting in his pram, outside the front door with his rain cover over him wondering what the fuck was going on!!!

After 15 minutes and failing to find the poxy lead, I decided to go for a belt. One of Dan’s belts. Finally, we are good to go. The snow is now coming down really bad again, Grayson is shielded from it all but still whinging, dog is loving it and then my phone rings. It was my friend. I was thinking she’s obviously wondering what is taking me so long. Nope, she was calling to say that she was heading home as the snow was getting really bad and her little girl was cold and wanted to go home. So around we turned, dog was now fuming, Grayson didn’t give a damn about what was going on and I was stressing about how long it was going to take to get my boots off!!

Ok fine, I put Grayson a bed because he was tired and tbh, I needed a coffee or something. I was debating doing a couple shots of Vodka, but it was only 12pm. I was a hungry by this point, and the mood I was in I wanted to demolish everything bad in the house, but I didn’t, I decided to cook an omelette. I can cook, quite well actually but one thing I don’t seem to get the hang of is omelette. So I beated some eggs (good for the bingo wings!) and went from there. Disaster. Oh my god, the state of it. It was an embarrassment. Threw the poxy thing straight in the bin and settled for boiled eggs on toast, I can manage that (still need to use an egg timer though)

Anyway, we made it, the kids are asleep. They had a lovely little bath and we used my Little Aurelia products (amazing btw! helps with sleep). They had a play in the snow and made some snowballs. I texted Dan on the way home and asked for emergency wine. I haven’t been drinking seeing as I’m trying to diet, but tonight I thought sod it. I need a glass. It’s going down too well though!

Tomorrow we have dentist with Kellan, two fillings. Poor kid obviously takes after his mama with his teeth. They don’t have juice, hardly have sweets yet the kid has two holes in his tooth. It’s going to be an emotional, stressful day.

I am now going to snuggle up on this cold evening and pray there is some more snow heading our way. Then I’m going to finish my wine while watching Grace and Frankie on Netflix – If you haven’t watched it then do, it’s hilarious.

 

New Year New Me.. or something like that..

Hello!!

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. I hope Santa bought you everything you wished for. We all had a wonderful break, apart from spending most of my Boxing Day on the Loo because of a bad IBS flare up, I still had a wonderful day. It’s all gone a bit too quick for my liking, I get a bit sad once Christmas is over. All the hype, the organising and preparing and the food, don’t forget the food. My tree is coming down tonight, makes me sad keep looking at it.

Now, I normally make the same old resolutions: lose weight, go to the gym, eat healthy blah blah blah. I normally kerb them about three/four weeks into January. I like my food too much.

This year, I am starting something new, something fresh – these are my resolutions:

  • Lose weight (yes, this one is here, again! but I do have a rather beautiful wedding gown that I need to fit my fat arse into in August, so yes, I do need to lose some weight)
  • Be more positive. (I am a very negative person, I outweigh the negatives to the positives and I am also very pessimistic)
  • Don’t sweat over the little things (like losing my shit because my children won’t put their shoes on after the 100th time of asking)
  • Try to relax and be more calming (I’m a anxious, sweaty mess 99.5% of the time)
  • Let my children be children (now, this might to some of you, seem like a silly resolution, but to me its not. Like I have said above ^^ I sweat and stress over the little things, I get anxious because their toys are everywhere, they’re loud, they’re destructive, but most importantly, they’re kids, and occasionally, I forget that. I’m just getting real here, my anxiety plays me up, it makes me a mess. I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, no. But I do struggle with some things on a daily basis. I don’t want to look back in years to come and feel like my children missed out because of how I am. So yea, this is a BIG one for me. My OCD needs to back the fuck down and let me enjoy every moment of this joyous ride that is children)

 

Anyway, me and Dan are staying home on NYE’s because, lets be honest, taking your kids out and keeping them up at Midnight, or letting them flake and fall asleep anywhere for your own selfish doing is not fair. Yes, I did let them stay up for Christmas day as we were at families, but that’s different.

I don’t overly enjoy NYE, not because I have had a bad year, I just think it is an overpriced evening to go out and get drunk, when lets be honest, I can do that from the comfort of my own home, with my wonderful Daniel and watch the London fireworks on TV. #winning

We have made plans with some of our parent friends to go for a “brisk”, and I mean “brisk” walk, then head to the pub for a few drinks while the kids play just to wish everyone a Happy New Year, then we will go home, order a takeaway, get our Jim Jams on, pop a bottle and see the New Year in with a bang (tut, all you dirty minded people)

I hope you all have a wonderful New Year, and I hope 2018 brings health and happiness to you and your families.

Lots of Love X

 

Bunny Pyjamas..

Hi Queens 👑

We’ve had a manic few days here. The weekend whizzed pass as per. We went and saw our wonderful friends who we met in Greece Saturday, kid free. It was lovely. Me and Dan were saying how lucky we were to meet them. Sunday we went to see my friend Sammie who’s just had Baby Jack. He is so handsome and i’m not going to lie – he made me so broody.

That soon passed once my kids were on their 1000th meltdown when we got home!

I’ve felt a bit down the past few days, the weather is shit which is pissing me off. I miss my mum. I miss my friends. It’s just been a bit ugh. My mood goes down and then the kids behaviour reflects on that because i don’t have the patience that i normally do, and every thing they do wrong seems like a much bigger problem than it actually is.
Also it hasn’t helped because Grayson seems so grown up all of a sudden, it’s breaking my heart. It all started because his started saying “Yar” for yes. Now everyone who knows Grayson knows that when he wants to say yes, he would nod his head, and his bottom jaw would move up and down with his head. We would always laugh at him and correct him. Well now, his stopped doing it, and we miss it. It’s silly little things like that, that make you sad and miss them being that bit younger. Everyday they are growing that little bit wiser, and i want it to stop. It’s bad enough Kellan starts school, I’m not ready for my baby to grow up. So yea, maybe thats why I’m feeling a bit shit.

On a happier note, i had a weird dream this morning. Poor Dan.
So, this morning, Dan reached over for his usual morning cuddle. I was half awake, half dreaming. As his hand came over, i was pushing him away, i was so angry with him. I didn’t want him near me. I was so confused, then it hit me. My dream. Now most people would react that way if they had dreamt of their partners cheating, or something radical like that. No. Not me. I had the hump with him, because in my dream, the bastard had got my favourite bunny pyjamas that he hates so much, pulled the blind up and threw them out the window. I was livid! Hence the reason i pushed him away and didn’t want his morning cuddles. I only remembered as i was putting my nice, clean bunny pjs away. I had to run and tell him, we were both laughing so much. He looked at me and said “you are a fucking rare one” – that shows what our relationship is about, I’m not worried about him cheating on me, I’m worried his going to throw my fucking bunny pyjamas out the window.

to top it off, i am on my third bottle of wine since last night, chin chin.

Anyway, hope you are all ok X

Swear Words.. 

Today has been a long day. 

Kellan swore 3 times, he said: oh fuck, piss off and it’s all bollocks (just incase you were wondering what he said) he was told off, then he carried on to tell me that Daddy said Oh fuck when he hurt his finger in the garage yesterday. 🤦🏼‍♀️. 
We (..I) decided sort the toy room and thought it would be nice to do it together. No. The kids were throwing stuff in the bin and started getting attached to toys they hasn’t played with in months; pointless. Anyway, i done it. 
My sister in law and my nieces and nephews came over. Kids go into overdrive – it was mental. Treated the kids to dominos while they were watching boss baby. Peace and quiet for 20 minutes. 
Perfection.

After a while the kids were refuelled on junk we heard bang bang scream bang. Grayson had slid down the stairs too fast on his bum, scared himself, screamed then sobbed. After a mummy cuddle he then spent the next 10 minutes explaining to me and Billie in his own language about how he went down the stairs. 
By 7pm the kids have gone into full blown carnage mode. My work phone was ringing non stop, the kids were screaming, my brother and his girls friend arrived kids went from 100 to 250 in seconds. 
Anyway, kids are asleep, just fought with the dog to get his poxy ear drops in. After everyone went, I walked over to my favourite cupboard. The wine cupboard. I was getting excited about the thought of a large glass of wine, sitting in my living room all relaxed. I opened the cupboard and stared. Stared so fucking hard thinking my eyes were playing tricks on me. There was no wine. Nada.
Fuck. 
So here I am sitting at my kitchen table with a manky bottle of Pepsi. Winning.

What I should be doing..

I should be hoovering and mopping the floors, what I’m actually doing is ordering loads of new plant based home cleaner.. i love anything organic or natural. My good friend was buzzing about it, so i decided to order some. I did get a little bit carried away.. sorry bank account. Me & Sammie (my friend who told me about this amazing cleaning stuff) have just spent the last 10 minutes texting about it. How our lives have changed.. quite sad really how excited we are, I’ve ordered some bits she hasn’t got so she wants me to let her know what its like.. we need to get a grip

Before Dan left for work this morning he dumped his suitcase in the hallway thats been sitting in the car since Sunday and said “this can all just be washed” thanks hubs, i think its just laziness and he doesn’t want to put it back in his wardrobe..

So this morning so far we have FaceTimed nanny, cleaned the kitchen, done breakfast, loaded the dishwasher and put the first load of washing on. I had to spend a few minutes scraping the “burnt” bits off of Kellan’s toast. He takes after his mummy, hate burnt toast.

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Today we don’t have much planned. This afternoon Grayson is going with his DaDa (granddad)  for an hour while me and Kellan go to his play session at his big school.. I can’t believe my first born baby is going to big school in September.

Anyway, must dash. Kids have to be bathed – if your kids suffer from Eczema try Weleda Baby Bath.. my god it is amazing. I’ve just ordered some new bath stuff from Nu Skin to give that a try, poor grayson suffers with it.

Blog later X

Welcome Home Daddy..

Evening. I am melting tonight – my house is so hot! Just sitting down ready for Love Island, dan’s missed it, i can tell.

So my wonderful hubby to be is home, yay! it’s been a long weekend but not as bad as i thought. Dan had a really good time so that was the main thing. We decided to head home after i picked him up and order a dominos pizza for all of us instead of having the drama of going out to a restaurant and the kids play up. Grayson had fallen asleep in the car, and woke up after about 20 minutes (he normally has a 2 hour nap) so he was really groggy. He was whinging, and crying and just really unhappy. I was driving so dan was trying his best to lean over the back and sort him out. All of a sudden, he started being sick. Grayson was crying, Kellan was crying, it was a nightmare. I’m just so bloody glad i had Dan in the car and wasn’t on my own. Good timing G. It went everywhere. Poor dan had to sit in a twisted position holding G’s sick covered blanket and dummy bunny for a good 15 minutes. Poor sod was crying the whole way home. Grayson, not Dan.

Welcome home daddy!

As soon as we pulled up, Dan got Grayson out the car and run him upstairs into the bath, the car chair was taken apart and in the wash along with dummy bunny (mama) and his blanket. Kid cleaned, blankets cleaned and we were back to normal. Dan still hasn’t unpacked.. job for tomorrow!

Grayson is fine, it’s not a bug. Thank god. It seems to be when his getting himself upset, he starts having a coughing fit and then is sick. This only started happening yesterday. I took him to the doctors today (Dr Brown Bear, as Kellan calls him after Peppa Pig, the doctor didn’t seem impressed when Kellan called him that…) just to check his throat and chest but he couldn’t find anything. He said it could be hay fever or even Asthma. We have got to keep an eye on him for a week then go back. I’m hoping its just change of weather where we have been out the country back and fourth.

Early night for all tonight, Dan is knackered from his weekend of drinking, i am knackered because i didn’t sleep as i thought i was going to die and my kids would of been left (see previous blog). Today has been a nothing day, we spent about 4 hours test driving and chatting about a new car while the kids were in nursery.

Hope you are all well, i am going back to Love Island now. Ciao X

Fear..

Today I’m tired. Really bloody tired. I didn’t sleep very well last night, used to having Dan in the bed with me. I couldn’t settle, Kellan woke a few times crying. It was just a crappy night. At one point i text my neighbour telling her that if she hadn’t heard from me by 9am then she was to let herself in.. I was just laying there thinking what if something happens to me during the night, my kids won’t be able to fend for themselves, no one will be able to get in because the doors are locked, Grayson wouldn’t be able to get out of his stair gate.. the list went on and on. I was being a bit of a drama queen, but its a thought that goes through my head quite a lot. That fear. Good news, i did wake up. obviously.

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Fear is a horrible thing, i had fears before children where now the fears are awful. I worry about everything. We went to Maldon Promenade Park today with my brother Reiss and his partner Billie. It was lovely, but i was constantly looking out for the kids. We were sitting on the floor in the picnic area, kids were playing on the big pirate ship. I was constantly looking for them, it would be so easy, for one second to take your eyes off them and them be gone. The thought sends shivers down my spine. It makes me feel physically sick. I dressed my kids in the brightest tops, knowing that i would be able to spot them. I also, always take photos of them in the morning before we go out. I always think, if the worse was to happen and you needed to get their photo out there, you have a photo of them in their outfits on the actual day. Horrible thought, but i do it for my own sanity.

It’s been a lovely but long day. I just wanted to get home in the end, i was tired. We done crabbing with the kids, Grayson and Kellan weren’t keen on the crabs, but we enjoyed ourselves! My niece wanted to stay over, which was lovely as i thought if something were to happen during night she knows how to use a phone ! Then my younger niece wanted to come over. They play so well but my god they were so hyped. I went to the fridge a few times to get my wine out but thought it was a bad idea. I got them washed and in their Pj’s and put Cars on. I ordered them a dominos. Kellan loves a pizza in a box. They were quiet for 10 minutes, it was lovely.

My kids are finally a bed, nieces have gone home. I’m now sitting here with an ice cold glass of Organic Wine (no hangover, true story) watching Love Island, again. I am so behind on it, Jess and Mike have just been kicked out the villa! Travis is destroying everything with his poxy cone, but at the moment his doing a good job of destroying his poor bear all round my living room. Bloody stuffing everywhere, sod it. It can wait till the morning.

Dan’s home tomorrow evening, i can’t wait. Ive missed him. His having such a good time though, he doesn’t see his friends a lot so it’s nice that his got to spend a whole weekend with them.

IMG_4131 with auntie Billie IMG_4128-2IMG_4143IMG_4159

Night X

Have fun..

Morning, I’m currently sitting here, in my bra and jeans waiting for my t-shirt to come out of the tumble dryer. It has a few creases and i can’t be arsed to iron it (don’t tut at me mum)

But that would also mean going to the car, getting the new iron and ironing board out that Dan bought JUST to iron his shirts for this weekend, which he didn’t do.

Dan has left for his stag do this weekend, a year early but what the hell. We were meant to be getting married 30TH September this year, but decided to push it back a year. The hens and stags have already been booked, so was pointless people losing out on money.

Now I’m home with my kids most of the time, on my own, but i feel anxious about this weekend. Maybe because I’m supposed to be working, look after the boys and not worry about Dan. I have had a word with my darling brother about covering this weekend for me and i will do the next two – lets see if he does it for me.

I’m also anxious because i normally have someone i can run to if i am having a crap day. First ones being:

Mum and Dad – they now live in Spain, so i am unable to see them.
Casey and Calli – my brother and might as well be wife, they are also in spain this week so it’s a no to them
Reiss and Billie – my brother and his also might as well be wife, i am seeing them Saturday for a nice day out (hoping the weather stays nice).
But i do feel anxious, i don’t know why.. but i do. I’ve never been left in the house on my own before so thats something new, i’ve always had Dan for when I’ve had a bad day and i need daddy’s intervention, which the kids actually listen to. I take my hat off to single mums, i don’t know how you do it. I suppose, when you are in a situation you do just get on with it and make it work. You have to.

So yea, Dan, enjoy your stag do. Please don’t mix your drinks and ruin it for yourself you twat. I am apparently getting updates and photos, so when i do, so will you.

Going to enjoy this rare moments peace and drink my hot cup of tea.. this is why i get up early. It’s the little things.

Enjoy your Friday, blog later X

Back to reality..

Today has been a weird one. Our holiday feels like a lifetime ago, but at the same time I’ve been away for so long being home seems weird.

First off i was woken up by Dan’s alarm – Bruno Mars – Marry You. It was cute at first, but now it annoys me. So 5am we are up, all of a sudden Dan appears with Kellan. Poor little sod wet the bed.. he hasn’t done this for months. Think its all unsettling for him. Anyway, the kid was wide awake. He was not going back to sleep. Up we get then!

One a postive he got to see his GaGa before he left for his weekend in Spain. The first wash on, Kellans bedding. Grayson woke about 8. Before Grayson woke up Kellan wanted to go in the garden, at 7am. It wasn’t happening. Well, he kicked off. I wasn’t ready for this, i hadn’t even had my morning cup of tea. I need my tea. Normally i get up with Dan, we sneak downstairs have a hot cuppa in complete silence ready for the kids to wake. But not this morning. So after meltdown one, I occupied him with super wings. Had a quick, luke warm cuppa. Rank. Used to it now though. I then took us all up to get dressed, Kellan and Grayson destroyed their rooms.. (I’ve cleaned them up 6 times today, they haven’t even been here half the day!!) All dressed by 9:30 – it felt like it should be about 12pm, but no, it was 9:30. I finally let the kids in the garden, washing being hung out, next wash on (i was on a roll) Then the dog was jumping through all dan’s new planted flowers.. good god. Dan and his flowers. All of them told off, was like banging my head against a brick wall.

After hoovering, unloading and reloading the dishwasher i got my best friend out. The steam mop. Ugh, i chose the worse tiles when we moved into our house. God knows what i was thinking. My floor looks constantly rank. I steam mop everyday, sometimes twice a day. It is such a shit job, and it never looks no different. Dan laughs because i have such an obsession with the floors.

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Poxy floors

Floor cleaned, kids still pissing about with the dog. Second wash out, third wash on. Kids rounded up, decided to take them McDonalds before nursery. Was nice to have some me and kid time, they enjoyed themselves. A lovely elderly man who worked there gave them 2 balloons. They kept letting them go, so there mummy was grabbing the balloons constantly, in the end i tied them round my bag. Problem solved. Just sat back down, Kellan shouts out “MUMMY I NEED A WEE WEE NOW!” so up we all get, i left Grayson’s dinner on the side while i took him to the loo. Grayson clapped him (he gets very proud of his big brother haha). I then grab Grayson, his dinner and Kellan and go to the car. Nearly lost the balloons twice. shit. Balloons safe, kids safe, i get in the car and notice I’ve somehow got tomato sauce on my bloody new white top. Balls.

There i am sitting outside a crowded McDonalds viscously rubbing my boob with a water wipe – people were staring. So embarrassing ! Stain sorted, off to nursery.

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This was after my vicious scrubbing..

Kellan was so excited to see his friends after three weeks. Grayson not so much, every time i leave him he cries. I run out that nursery today, not even ashamed to say it. He was ok as soon as i walked out the door, they sent me a little photo of him to show me he was fine. Shitbag.

It has honestly been a non stop day, i had some me time and had my nails done and caught up with my friend which was lovely. Then off to food shopping, get the washing in, make the kids beds, then off to pick the kids up. I took the dog for a drive as i didn’t manage to get him out today (sorry Travis). But we did take some snapchat selfies.. Dog was loving it.. NOT.

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Kids are exhausted, i was so ready for bedtime and so were they. Ive not looked forward to bedtime this much before, it has honestly just been so busy.

My beautiful little shit bags. Wouldn’t change them for the world – I’m so lucky and blessed.

I will leave you with these two photos that i received today.. X